It's Been a Long Day....

...without you, my friend. These last few weeks I've had "See You Again" by Wiz Khalifa featuring Charlie Puth playing on repeat on my iPod. The song was penned in honor of the late Paul Walker as part of the Fast and Furious series but has been my soundtrack for running this summer.  I've been stumbling through my training for the City of Oaks marathon but have been blessed with multiple opportunities to visit with my family and friends in South Carolina, including Jamie's family.

Zachary and Jeremiah at Reedy River Falls  Park in Greenville, SC

I was able to visit with Jamie's mother at the beginning of July and again last week.  My second visit included my two sons, Zachary and Jeremiah.  We visited and the boys swam in the pool I once swam in with Jamie so many years ago.  The boys enjoyed the chance to swim on a hot afternoon and I enjoyed taking them to the home I spent several summers visiting.  At one point during our swim, I looked up to see Debra smiling at us and while it felt wonderful to see that smile, it left me torn.  In that moment, I felt guilty - Jamie should be here. She should be bringing her children to swim but that will never happen.

They say the ones we love never truly leave us and I believe that. Jamie continues to be present despite her passing.  The Jamie Kirk Hahn Foundation continues to do amazing work in her honor, giving back to the community of Raleigh she so loved. Her friends and family find ways to honor her through their words and actions. Memories come from the most random of places. Earlier this week, I watched 'Free Willy', a favorite film from my childhood and as I laughed at familiar scenes, I was hit with the memory of seeing it for the first time in theaters with Jamie.  We loved the film - a young boy forced to do community service at the marine park he trespassed upon strikes an unlikely friendship with a killer whale - and were determined to become marine biologists.  We even ended up attending a week-long marine biology camp just miles from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Fast forward to this morning and our household chores.  With the summer soon ending, we have been working to clean and organize before the school year gets underway and this finds me going through several old boxes.  One box included a plain red folder filled with hand-written poems and photographs torn from magazines, a folder I hadn't seen in years and had forgotten I owned.  The creator? Jamie.  She wrote me these poems at the end of another wonderful summer before we would begin middle school, twenty years ago.  The poems are simple, but speak to the heart of who Jamie was; the first one:

Friends
They're important people,
Just like you.
They make the world a happier place,
With all the wonderful things they do.

Everyone needs one,
In good times and bad.
They make you happier,
Especially when you're sad.

They make you feel better,
When sick and in bed.
They send you a letter,
that makes you happier when read.

They always make you happier
In the end.
They're the most important people -
They're friends!

So, Jamie - like the song says, "It's been a long day, without you my friend and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again." You may be gone, but you're not forgotten. You're with me in every run and will be with me throughout my training MilesForJamie and my run in Raleigh in November.

"We've come a long way from where we began and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."

A rare tech-free run...just me and the mile.

Miles for Jamie - The Beginning of Marathon Dreams

Running is not for everyone. It’s not even for me most days. I often struggle to get myself out the door or on the treadmill for the start of a run. Don’t get me wrong - I love running. I love the silence that comes with focusing solely putting one foot in front of another and not about the million things I still have yet to deal with. I love how I feel the moment I finish a particularly hard run - a sense of accomplishment that doesn’t come with completing day-to-day errands or paperwork.  I love that it is a perfect combination of physical and mental exercise, constantly testing the limits I did not know I was capable of pushing. 

But - there are days I hate it, absolutely dread it.  Days I find myself dreading the early wake-up call or the miles ahead.  Days I don’t think I’m capable of even a few steps. Days I don’t know why I choose to do this. Then I remember - I run because I can. I run for those who can’t.  I run for my loves, our loves.  I run for a friend whose sudden passing reminded me that I had no real excuses anymore, that instead, I had choices.  I could choose to continue living my life the way I had done for almost 30 years - struggling with my own body image, dealing with the ups and downs of anxiety and depression, not helped by my struggle to maintain a healthy weight or lifestyle.

Cue early Spring...two years ago. I was browsing my Facebook NewsFeed and read a childhood friend’s status about a blog she was writing about making healthier lifestyle choices.  I’d come across my fair share of fitness articles, but to hear from the perspective of someone I personally knew allowed me to truly reflect upon my own lifestyle and changes I could incorporate into my own cooking and fitness regimen.  I enjoyed reading my friend’s blog posts and loved her drive but didn’t see the same potential in myself at first.  It may be cliche, but for me, a hard truth - we are our own worst critics.  I didn’t see myself possessing the motivation nor being capable of achieving or more importantly, maintaining a healthier lifestyle.  

No one had a smile or laugh like Jamie.

However, life has other ways of showing us things we didn’t dare think possible.  A short time later, I learned that my childhood friend, Jamie had been brutally attacked in her own home.  Within days, she would pass away and the world was a little darker without her light.  In the days and weeks that followed, I would see her photographs, read countless news reports and spend time remembering all our childhood adventures through summers spent together.  I wasn’t able to attend her memorial services but was able to see them online.  As I listened to others share their memories of Jamie, I not only saw the impact of one person but also realized how finite life truly is.  I knew something would have to change; the same excuses were no longer valid.  

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” and mine started just the same.  I decided I would need a goal and with the support of my best friend, Veronica, we decided to venture into this new journey together. We slowly put one foot in front of another and began to learn how to run, running local 5Ks and eventually completing the Disney Glass Slipper Challenge this past February, almost two years later.  We are by no means elite runners, but we run.  We set out to accomplish what others often attribute as pure craziness.  Crazy is, as crazy does and the next logical (i.e. INSANE) step for me was a marathon, but not for a long while. I loved the Disney Princess Half-Marathon Weekend and want to attempt the Dopey Challenge at some point, but knew I would need to see if a marathon was something I was capable of, much less enjoyed.

Fast forward to April, almost two years after her passing, Jamie’s trial was underway and I found her presence in my life once again.  An article posted during the weeks of the trial referenced a quote from a friend and the City of Oaks Marathon & Half-Marathon.  This annual event occurs in Raleigh, North Carolina and it was a race that Jamie planned to complete but wouldn’t.  I knew that I wanted my first attempt at a marathon to be special and have personal meaning - I would need something to motivate me and push me through the hard miles and answer the question I always ask myself mid-race, “what was I thinking”.  The answer now would be easy - Jamie. Her smile and memories of acting out the Annie soundtrack in her living room for days on end throughout the summer (I’m sorry, Ms. Debra) and sharing a week together at marine biology camp in Myrtle Beach would be there with me.  

So - I took the plunge and registered. Come November 1st, I will be running in Raleigh, the city that Jamie so loved and in doing so, I will run for her.  Each step will be one that she should have taken and will be.  I am running in Jamie’s memory, but also for her future. In her honor, the Jamie Kirk Hahn Foundation has been established and in its short time has already begun to make a significant impact on members of her community as well as future leaders.  Jamie believed in the power of giving back to others and I am hoping to do the same.  It is my goal to raise money for the Jamie Kirk Hahn Foundation through my running the City of Oaks.  I am hoping to raise $1000 and hope that you and others will join me.  To learn more about Jamie and my efforts, you can view my Crowdrise fundraising page here.

To find out more about the Jamie Kirk Hahn Foundation, its values of love, humility and service as well as the impact they have made in two short years, read more here.


In addition to my training, I will be chronicling my journey through posts here as well as on Instagram.  Please join me as I run.  Find your WHY and push.  We all have something to run for. For me, it’s an intimidating 26.2 miles for Jamie.